Projection: the Unwanted Gift

Although the holiday season has come to an end, there is one type of gift that will continue to be given all year long. An icky, sticky gift that is given on the energetic level. Wrapped in pretty paper and tied with a shiny ribbon, the gift can sometimes appear authentic. But when we tune into how we feel, we know there is something awry. Like a chewed-up and spat-out wad of gum that lands in our gut, undigested and foreign, it’s obvious that something doesn’t feel right. In our home with our young daughters, I refer to this as the gift of poop.

Whether we are aware of it or not, we often project our unresolved shit onto others. We fling, spray and hurl our crap at others. We project onto our kids, our spouse, our co-workers, our mother and our friends. A desperate attempt to not look at our own stuff. A futile attempt to feel better…even just for a fleeting moment.

Allow me to share an example of projection in a work setting. A friend was participating in a training call with a company that she had recently joined. The business had been experiencing some marketing challenges, which had been brought to the surface by a handful of the company’s distributors. On the training call, the company’s founder painted a rosy picture of himself taking ownership of these issues. But sandwiched between the niceties, was one yucky comment that splattered the phone audience with goo. On an energetic level, the company’s owner had thrown sticky slime at my friend and the other trainees.

Rather than taking ownership, he projected his feeling of inadequacy onto his team, leaving them with the icky feeling that the company’s marketing challenges were their fault. In other words, he was not the problem…they were the problem. And as long as he projected his crap onto others, he wouldn’t be able to genuinely take ownership of the company’s challenges, nor would he be able to heal his buried feeling of inadequacy.

(Dylan Gillis on Unsplash)

Projecting our stored emotions and fears onto others mucks up our relationships. It keeps us aligned with our ego, our fear-based false self. It keeps us stuck in denial, flailing around in our unresolved emotional swampland. Projecting onto others keeps our hearts closed and our defenses up. And as long as we are in denial with our hearts closed and defenses up, it’s difficult to tap into our own authenticity. As long as we are tossing our crap at others, we cannot heal and grow.

As parents, we often project our stored emotions or fears onto our kids. In a recent meditation, I saw that I had projected some unresolved stuff onto my seven-year old daughter. This energy was squishing her, as if she was clamped between the tight prongs of an oversized rake. With eyes closed, I received an image of myself as a seven-year old, slumped over crying. I felt lonely, scared and sad. I realized that I had projected these stored emotions from my childhood onto my daughter. By energetically taking back my own stuff, I freed my daughter and offered myself the opportunity to heal.

Interestingly, the night before this meditation, my daughter burst out crying. An articulate child who normally easily expresses her emotions, she told me that she felt sad, but also felt some other emotions that she couldn’t describe or make sense of. Projecting my stored childhood emotions onto my daughter had confused and emotionally overwhelmed her.

As parents, we often have good intentions for our children. But sometimes our good intentions are rooted in fear. When we project fear-based energy onto our kids, they can feel this controlling energy wrapped tightly around them. In an attempt to break free of this restrictive energy, our children may act out, talk back or rebel.

As grown adults, we sometimes continue to carry projected energy from childhood with us. One example that comes to mind is a driven 30-year old woman who grew up always being the “good girl”. Although she had determinedly followed her dreams of being an international competing athlete in a sport that was traditionally for males, she had to fight hard for the right to do so due to her cultural background and strict upbringing. When I tuned into her energy, I saw that she was carrying an old, dark cloud of energy that her father had projected onto her. A controlling and unsupportive dark cloud, brimming with beliefs about what his daughter should and should not do.

Not long after this beautiful woman released this outdated dark cloud, an interesting thing happened. She began shedding all the ways she had been playing the role of “good”, including “good wife”, “good daughter” and “good woman” (according to her culture’s dictates). Being good had often meant keeping her mouth shut, being dependable and loyal and silencing her heart’s whispers and wishes. Being good had meant not allowing her true self to fully shine. When she began shedding these old roles like a snake sheds its old skin, this inspiring woman began stepping more and more into her light and connecting with her soul’s true purpose.

(Danica Tanjutco on Unsplash)

Projection can also occur between other family members. My client, a vibrant and driven 40-something year old woman, complained of low energy and fatigue. When I tuned into her energy, I saw that a dark, snake-like energy was slithering around her system. The energy felt like misery and negativity. When I looked more closely, it became apparent that this energy belonged to her adult siblings. For the past year, my client had been focused on raising her vibration through meditation, yoga and intuitive healing sessions. Her siblings, who are stuck in an old, familiar and heavy feeling of misery and negativity, are not happy for their younger sister’s expansion and growth. Unwilling to look at and heal their own stored emotional stuff, they united in their misery and projected their negative energy onto their sibling. My client was able to release this energy and hand it back to its rightful owners. Her fatigue disappeared and she became her vibrant self again.

(Meireles Neto on Unsplash)

Like a neglected tree dripping with over-ripe fruit, marriage can be loaded with projection. Allow me to share a story about a couple who have been married for several decades. To the regular eye, the marriage appeared harmonious. But on a subtle energetic level, the marriage dynamic felt very different. The wife had spent her entire adulthood avoiding and hiding from her inner emotional jungle. Because of her fear of facing her emotional baggage, she wound up projecting some of this fear onto her husband. This controlling energy felt like a tight, suffocating rope cinched around his torso. For the well-being and health of all — husband, wife and marriage — it was important for this suffocating energy to be released from the man’s system and handed back to its rightful owner.

When we carry other people’s emotional crap for them, we aren’t able to genuinely support them. Instead, it’s important to hand back other people’s stuff so that they may have the opportunity to heal it. Health and happiness come from facing and healing our stored emotions, debilitating beliefs and fears.

(Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash)

All of this projection begs the question — is this your shit or my shit? Whose shit is this? To find out, try the meditation below.

I can hear some of you saying: “Ok, I am done with this article; I don’t have time to meditate.” It is natural to want to run or hide. Our egos will try to keep us stuck in denial and rooted in fear. Our egos will tell us that we are great and don’t need this healing mumbo-jumbo. I urge you to stay with me. Break through the resistance.

This meditation is designed to help you clear projected energy that you may be carrying from other people, as well as pull back the energy that you have cast onto others. Let’s face it…none of us are perfect. Admittedly, I too project my shit onto my kids, husband and others in my life. But instead of berating myself or pretending to be above this, I practice energetically taking back that which is mine. My intention is to heal my own stuff and help keep my relationships a little less muddled.

When we see, feel and heal our stored baggage, we create an inner environment that allows us to experience more love, peace and trust. We open the gates to experience life as it is in the present moment. When we honour and heal our own stuff, our relationships become healthier. We ourselves become healthier. And our world becomes healthier.

I suggest reading through the meditation first, then when you have 15-20 minutes available, find a quiet space to close your eyes and give it a try.

Meditation

Alignment
With your eyes closed, begin by observing your breath. Witness your breath as you inhale. Observe your breath as you exhale. Continue to follow your breath for another five deep breaths.

Imagine opening your crown chakra on the top of your head. Open it really wide, as wide as your head…or even wider. Now see or feel a brilliant white light flowing down from above and entering into the top of your head. Welcome this magnificent divine light as it washes over your face and down the back of your skull, filling your neck, throat and shoulders. Feel these warm waves of love and light as they fill your arms, hands and fingers. See this light as it washes over your chest and abdominal area, filling all of your organs. Witness this divine energy as it lights up your back and pelvis, filling your legs, feet and toes. Breathe in this beautiful feeling of being completely filled with light.

Part One
Say this out loud: “Please show me any projected energy that I may be carrying from (name the person). Thank you.”

Notice any sensations in your physical body. Is there an area with tension or a feeling of dense energy? Is there a body part that feels tight and constricted? (Or perhaps rather than a feeling, you receive an image of a body part.) Which part of your body are you drawn to? Allow your awareness to sink into this body part.

Say this out loud: “I am willing and ready to give this energy back to its rightful owner, (name the person). Thank you.”

Continue to breathe and soften your body as you witness this energy lifting off of you. Feel the gratitude in your heart as this energy leaves you. Soften and allow yourself to feel compassion, forgiveness or understanding for the individual who projected this energy onto you. It is likely that he or she did so unconsciously. Trust that by handing this energy back to its rightful owner, you are offering her the opportunity to heal.

Part Two
Now it is time to take back any stored emotions, fears or beliefs that YOU have projected onto this same individual. By owning and honouring our own stuff, we empower ourselves to heal and be free.

Say this out loud: “I am ready and willing to take back any crap that I have projected onto (name the person). Thank you.”

Rest here a moment. Breathe. Forgive yourself for projecting this energy onto her or him. We are all human. We are all here to learn and grow.

See or feel this energy being retracted and returning to you. You may become aware of where this energy now sits within you. Do you feel tension or denseness in any part of your body? Or is there a body part that appears darker than the rest? Which part of your body are you drawn to?

Allow yourself to fully sink into this body part. What do you feel here? What emotion is present? Feel what is present within you. Breathe and stay with the feeling.

Part Three
Say this out loud: “Please show me what I need to see or know to heal. Thank you.”

Continue to breathe and relax your body as you allow an image or an intuitive knowingness to come to you. You might become aware of a memory from childhood. Or you might suddenly understand what this held emotion is all about. If nothing comes to you, accept that that there is nothing you need to know right now.

Say this out loud: “I am ready and willing to release this stored emotion or fear. Thank you.”

Witness this energy moving up, up, up and out of your crown chakra at the top of your head. Observe this old stored energy exiting your system. The energy may move swiftly, like a free-flowing river. Or it may trickle up at a slower pace, taking a few days to fully exit. There is no right or wrong; no good or bad. Feel the gratitude in your heart for this beautiful healing that is transpiring for you.

(Fernando Brasil on Unsplash)

A Note about Resistance
If it feels like the energy is not moving, you may have some resistance. Ask to be shown why you are resisting letting this energy go or why you are resisting handing it back to its rightful owner. Sometimes we are resistant to give projected energy back to its rightful owner because we care for them and don’t want them to carry an extra burden. When we give projected energy back, we are also helping others by offering them the opportunity to heal.

***

To read more about Rachel, please click here.

Under the Surface of the Unheard Parent

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“It’s time to get ready for bed. Go put on your pyjamas,” I firmly request. My kids begin shouting and hollering in protest. Again, I sternly assert myself: “You have school tomorrow. It’s time now to put on your pyjamas.” As if on cue for a wild party, my girls race from room to room. They jump on the bed. They climb all over their dad.

At this point, I can feel anger bubbling and brewing deep inside of me. My breathing becomes shallow. My body grows tense. I state my request one final time. My seven-year old daughter walks past me as if I were invisible. Now it’s too late. There is no turning back. My anger boils over. Like a deranged monster, I yell at my children to get ready for bed NOW! Every night I promise myself I won’t get mad. Every night it’s the same old story.

(Anthony Tran on Unsplash)

The unheard parent. Whether we pester our kids to clean up their toys, get ready for bed or do their homework, it all comes down to the same thing. We are demanding to be heard. Demanding to be respected. Demanding that someone (in this situation, our kids) will confirm that our wishes, needs and feelings are valid.

As we all know, parenting isn’t all unicorns and rainbows. And it isn’t meant to be. We are here on this planet to experience the spectrum of human emotions and to learn, grow and heal. Parenting — in all its frustrating and exhausting glory — offers us a wealth of opportunities for healing.

Whether we realize it or not, our children trigger stored emotions that have been camping out inside of us for a long time, often since we ourselves were little kids. These buried emotions, beliefs and fears affect our current well-being, our perception of the world and how we react to life.

This past summer I watched a dad on the beach with his young family. His five-year old daughter was upset and crying loudly. The dad was growing increasingly tense, stiffening like a stone statue. Agitated, he impatiently asked his daughter what was wrong. His tone sounded like a hissing snake, threatening an attack. The little girl sobbed while explaining that sand had gotten into her ice cream. She knew she would have to throw away her half-eaten treat. Her dad responded with an angry “stop crying!” When the little girl continued to cry, he repeated his demand: “stop crying!” The little girl cried more. “Riley, STOP crying!!”

The longer I watched this man, the more he appeared like a little boy, stomping his feet and shouting. A small child who desperately wanted to be heard. A boy who longed for attention and yearned for someone (likely a parent or care giver) to acknowledge that his feelings and wishes were relevant. Inside this man was an upset little boy who was pouring gasoline on the dad’s fiery reaction to his daughter.

(Kat J on Unsplash)

There are two things happening in life. The first is what is actually happening. The second is how we SEE the situation and how we FEEL about what is happening.

For example, my over-the-top hysterical reaction when my girls don’t listen often has more to do with my own inner emotional landscape, than the actual situation. With this in mind, I took my frustration and anger to my meditation in order to shine some light and take a closer look.

Here is what I discovered.

With my eyes closed, I imagined a recent episode when my eldest daughter didn’t listen to me. I allowed my anger to grow in intensity, igniting a roaring fire within me. After allowing myself to fully feel and honour my anger, I then sank into what was underneath.

Open and curious, I became aware of feeling invisible combined with a clenching sensation of fear. Asking to be shown when in childhood I felt scared and invisible, I saw myself at about four years old standing outside a house. At the end of the driveway, I saw my mom deep in conversation with my dad. When little me tried to get my parents’ attention, they didn’t notice me…or possibly ignored me. I could feel some urgency in getting their attention. Perhaps my little brother needed adult care inside the house. I am not aware of the details. But what is clear is that I had been harbouring a little girl’s feeling of helplessness, as well as a fear-based belief that when I am unnoticed or ignored something unsafe could happen.

In a way, this event is seemingly insignificant. Nothing terrible occurred. Nobody was physically hurt. But how my four-year old self FELT about it left an energetic imprint within me. As a result, feeling helpless and invisible with a splash of fear had been feeding my intense emotional response as an adult when my kids didn’t listen to me.

(Alex Blajan on Unsplash)

Now you might say — this is ridiculous! Am I seriously suggesting that the emotions we felt and stored within us as small children (like feeling unheard and unseen) can affect how we react and feel when our kids don’t listen to us today? Yes, I believe our unresolved emotional baggage fuels our intense, over-the-top reaction to our children’s behaviour and feeds our ego’s hunger to be heard and respected as a parent.

Like an overflowing storage room that is brimming with dusty boxes and out-dated appliances, we often choose to ignore or deny our accumulated emotions and beliefs. By doing so, we carry our hurt forward from childhood into our adult lives. When we feel unheard or disrespected by our kids (or by our spouse, our co-workers, etc.) it pokes at this stored pain. It triggers all kinds of stored childhood feelings. And it washes up icky old beliefs of not being worthy or that our needs are somehow unimportant and so forth.

Please note that I am not in any way placing fault on our parents, nor is this article about judging ourselves as parents. The intention of this article is to encourage us to take an open-minded, curious look at the emotions and beliefs that are stashed within us. And to see how these stored emotions could affect how we perceive events and trigger our emotional responses to life and our relationships.

Take a moment to reflect on these questions:

Do you often feel disappointed or let down by others?

Do you feel like your kids (or others) disrespect you?

Do you feel helpless and unseen when your kids disregard your requests?

Do you notice yourself reacting to situations in an emotionally over-dramatic way?

For those of us who answered yes to any of the above, you may feel inspired to take a closer look within.

(Lina Trochez on Unsplash)

The following short meditation helps us see and release stagnant emotions, opening the door for us to feel calmer, clearer, lighter and more centred.

Meditation

Sit in a quiet space with your eyes closed. Enjoy five deep breaths. With each inhale, witness the breath. Pause. With each exhale, witness the breath.

Bring your awareness to the top of your head to your crown chakra. See the top of your head opening wide. See or feel a bright, sparkly white light as it enters into your crown. Continue to breathe as you witness your entire being filled with this radiant, divine light.

Now bring to mind a situation when your child didn’t listen to you. Allow whatever emotion is present to rise up. Feel the anger, frustration or rage. Don’t look away or deny your emotions. Truly, deeply FEEL them.

Now tune into what emotion is underneath. Perhaps it is a feeling of helplessness. Or maybe there is a belief that you are not worthy of being heard. Not worthy of attention, affection or love. Or perhaps there is a fear that when kids don’t listen something bad happens.

Now ask to be shown a time as a child when you experienced these feelings and beliefs. Ask: “When have I felt this feeling of “___” as a child?”

Rest in quiet and allow an image or memory to present itself. Breathe and soften as you allow yourself to feel the emotions that surface. Stay with the emotions that are present.

There may be tears. Or you might want to give little you (your inner child) permission to verbally express your hurt or anger toward the person who upset you. (This is an exchange in your imagination.) Allowing your emotions to have an expression can help to release these stored feelings.

After you have fully and deeply felt these emotions, it’s time to let this energy go. See or feel this stored emotion as an energy moving up, up, up and out through the top of your head, letting it go. Perhaps it appears like a bubbling creek flowing up and out or maybe the energy shoots out of your crown chakra like a powerful geyser. Breathe, soften and let it go.

(Nine Kopfer on Unsplash)

Emotions are energies that are meant to move. When emotions are held and stored within us, they can muddy our perceptions, opinions and behaviours.

Raising our voices with our kids can be purposeful. It is also expected that we may feel frustrated when our children challenge us by not listening. The idea of a blissed-out parent who never raises her voice is not realistic. (Or at least not realistic in my world.)

Our life is full of opportunities to grow and heal. Our relationships with our kids are prime examples of this. Feeling triggered by our kids is a gift. When unwrapped and looked at with an open mind, this gift offers powerful opportunities to heal and evolve.

Inner peace and happiness require taking an honest, non-judgemental look at our own unresolved stuff, feeling our stored emotions and letting them go.

***

To learn more about Rachel or intuitive energy healing, click here: www.rachelshoniker.com.

Relinquishing the Ego Aggressor

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Relationships are not easy. Whether it is our relationship with our mother, our spouse or a co-worker, relationships can be intense. Sometimes with only a few words said, a hot fire within us can be sparked and stoked, engulfing us in a rip-roaring blaze. Suddenly, we are pissed, angry, hurt and resentful. Instantaneously, we tuck our heart behind our imaginary shield and tightly grip our weapon. Prepared to defend and attack.

Often it takes only milliseconds to launch ourselves from open and relaxed to tense and shut down. Allow me to share a story. This morning, as my children sat colouring side-by-side at the table, I overheard my eldest daughter say something in a condescending tone to her little sister. Although the words themselves didn’t register in my brain, the hissing-sound of attack pierced into me. Instantly, I felt myself become tense. My heart hardened as it shut down. As I questioned my daughter, I could feel that I wasn’t engaging with an open heart. My shield was strategically placed over my heart and my weapon was drawn.

(Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash)

Most of the time, most of us march through life with our heart blocked and our weapon drawn. We try to take the focus off ourselves by blaming and judging others. We judge others for having different opinions or lifestyles than us. We blame others for our perceived problems. We speak condescendingly, and we complain and gossip about others behind their backs. We tell ourselves that we are better than others. Portraying a fake confidence; a bogus sense of pride. Arrogance and judgement are our key attack and defense strategies to avoid revealing our heart. Tactics to distract ourselves from feeling our own hurt and vulnerability.

When we push and control (rather than allow and flow), we also hide our heart behind self-erected walls. When a wife demands her spouse do what she wants and when she wants it, chances are her heart is blocked. When an older sibling determines rigid rules for how a younger sibling should express her own creativity and imagination, chances are the older sibling’s heart is closed off. When a child excludes another child from play, chances are his heart is shut down. When a parent demands with an authoritarian style that their children do as they say, chances are their heart is shielded. This is not to say that a spouse is not permitted from expressing his or her wishes in a relationship or that parents should not guide their children. But when our heart is tucked behind a mighty shield and our weapon is drawn, we demand and seek to exert control. Our communication is laced with aggression. We come from a place of fear and ego, not from a place of love and an open heart.

Like most of us, I have walked through life with my heart hidden behind a shield and carrying an imaginary weapon. Prepared to fight to avoid being hurt. Fight to be seen and heard. Fight to feel validated and valued. Similar to many of us, I have been too scared to allow my heart to be open and vulnerable. But it is only when we come from fear and ego that we feel the need to fight our way through life. To defend ourselves and protect our heart. To offer ourselves an illusion of safety.

What would happen if we would surrender our weapon and toss away our shield? We would discover the essence of who we truly are: innocent, pure, compassionate love. A magnificent, radiant spark; one and the same with our divine source. We would see that our true strength rests in our vulnerability.

(Morgan Sessions on Unsplash)

When our heart is open, we connect with others in a deeper, more meaningful way. We connect on a heart and soul level. Without a shield covering our heart, we open ourselves to fully receive love, as well as extend love to others. In our defenselessness, we see the world with genuine compassion. Like individual droplets of water in the vast ocean, we begin to see that we are all one and the same. We speak, act and live from a place of love, acceptance and gratitude. Fear and ego no longer control and dictate our thoughts, perspectives and actions.

When we have the courage to blast open the fortress walls around our heart, we experience life in a vibrant and exciting way. Life becomes like a motorcycle ride on a scenic road. We feel one with the surrounding nature. One with the wind. One with the trees. One with the ocean. One with life. One with our own vulnerability. Sometimes we lean into the corners. And sometimes we relax on an open, straight stretch. Completely present. Feeling it all.

So why do we build these fortified walls around our heart? At some point in our lives, often as young children, we experienced hurt. We learned that we were not completely lovable just as we are. We learned that love is conditional. We began to perceive our open-hearted, authentic selves as not good enough.

(Janko Ferlic on Unsplash)

Perhaps we felt the hurt of a parent yelling at us. Or maybe we were physically hit to “keep us in line”. Or perhaps we were the target of ridicule from other children. Or maybe we felt disheartened and defeated because a sibling received the love and attention that we craved. Or perhaps we felt lonely and sad because our parents were distracted, unavailable or unable to love us due to their own pain and fear.

As a result, we developed the belief that the world is not entirely safe. That we need to protect ourselves to survive and thrive. We hardened. We built walls. We disconnected from our heart. We grew up feeling separate and alone. Struggling to feel worthy of love. Struggling to love ourselves.

Living with an open heart is a work in progress. In my experience, it requires great awareness and regular practice. Although I am very aware of when I am engaging with an open heart versus when my heart is shielded, I still react in a knee-jerk way to situations that trigger me. For example, I still find myself flipping out at my kids when they don’t listen. I still launch verbal attacks at my husband for various behaviours that drive me nuts. And I continue to catch myself quietly judging others for being rude, inconsiderate, unprofessional, unaware and so forth.

Experiencing life with an open heart does not mean that we don’t get upset sometimes. Instead, we fully feel our emotions…but without attacking or blaming. Without judging others or judging ourselves. Without closing our heart.

(Ed Robertson on Unsplash)

Allow me to share a personal story. A few years ago, a heated situation arose between myself and a close friend. It was a situation in which two old friends came close to no longer being friends. Both friends felt hurt, betrayed and angry. Both of us had fortified walls around our hearts. And both of us were prepared for battle.

But our long-standing friendship did not fall apart. On a very tense phone call, I suddenly stopped. I stopped defending myself. I stopped justifying my actions. I laid down my shield and weapon. I spontaneously guided us into our hearts. I quietly reminded us of all the challenges we had supported each other through. All of the celebrations that we had shared. Essentially, I reminded us that day of our love for one another. Suddenly we were both in tears and peering at each other through our hearts. Not through our egos and our fears…but through our hearts. This is a beautiful example of how life and relationships can unfold when we engage with an open heart.

Heart-opening Meditation

(Darius Bashar on Unsplash)

Create space in your week to sit in silence. Place your open hand on your heart. (Go ahead…try this now with your eyes open while you read this.) Now imagine that you are breathing through your heart. Inhale into your heart. Exhale out of your heart. And again — breathe into your heart, and exhale out of your heart. Feel a softening. Now imagine that you see or feel the wall in front of your heart opening. Maybe it crumbles into pieces or simply vanishes without a trace. Or perhaps the walls protecting your heart have a slow-and-steady style of opening. Continue to breathe. Feel into your gentle, compassionate heart.

Feel the emotions that are present. You may feel pangs of sadness or remorse. You may even feel agitation or anxiety. Whatever is present, allow yourself to feel it. With the gentleness that we use to cradle an infant, witness your emotions with compassion. Emotions are energies that are meant to move. If sadness arises, let the tears flow. If frustration arises, exhale the breath from the mouth with a groan. By feeling our stored emotions and letting them go, we are better able to feel the love that is underneath and alive within us.

Now ask yourself:
Am I willing to let love into my heart?
Am I willing to love myself?
Am I willing to surrender my shield and weapon, and walk through this day defenseless (knowing this is where my true strength lies)?
Witness your responses without judgement.

(Kawin Harasai on Unsplash)

The next time you notice your heart hardening with blame or judgement…stop. Breathe. Soften your heart. Let go of your shield and weapon. Feel the emotions that are present. Breathe as you allow them to move through you. Recognize that blaming, attacking or judging others (or ourselves) is a fear-based attempt to keep our heart closed off. A strategy to protect ourselves…but at a great price. Offering a false sense of safety and robbing us of an authentic life.

Fall back on the assurance that true strength lies in our vulnerability. Life is more awesome when we relinquish the ego aggressor and live with an open heart.

***
To learn more about Rachel or intuitive energy healing, click here: www.rachelshoniker.com.

Facebook…Big Triggers, Big Gifts

Facebook…we either love it or we hate it. And some days, we love it and hate it at the same time.

Many of us spend copious hours browsing, liking, commenting, posting, sharing, watching videos and browsing some more. A modern addiction that can be a challenge to live without. Yet, there are also a number of us who are adamant non-users, the anti Facebookers who have jumped ship…often seeking refuge in another social networking boat.

So why the devotion and hostility? Facebook gives us that warm and comforting feeling that we get from belonging to a community. A welcoming place with familiar faces. But Facebook can evoke a smorgasbord of negative emotions as well. While it can make us feel connected and positive, Facebook can also trigger us to feel a wide array of low-vibe emotions, such as insecurity, jealousy, resentment, disappointment and loneliness.

For the most part, we appreciate seeing our friends on Facebook enjoying the beauty of life: family, travel and career success. It’s awesome to be able to connect with friends and family around the world, many of whom we might not have the opportunity to see in person. But on those days when we don’t feel particularly stoked about our lives (or ourselves), Facebook can feel torturous.

For women who struggle to conceive, photos of newborn babies and their proud parents could feel like a dagger in the heart. For those who are grieving the loss of loved ones, photos of happy families could sink them into a deep pool of sorrow. For individuals who struggle to pay the bills each month, seeing people on postcard-perfect vacations could trigger searing resentment and frustration. And for those of us whose egos relentlessly remind us that we are inadequate and unsuccessful in life, photos of friends enjoying outstanding careers and movie-worthy lives could collapse our self confidence; the feeling of failure attacking and devouring us like a ferocious tiger.

Many of us are also acutely aware of how our Facebook community perceives and receives us. If our post garners only a handful of “likes” while our friends’ posts receive tidal waves of support, it can send us into a downward spiral of feeling insignificant and unlikable. We can end up playing an unhealthy game of linking our worthiness to the number of Facebook “likes” we receive.

So what do we do? Do we abandon Facebook like a cheating, no-good lover or a two-faced friend? Do we blame the social networking hub for putting us into a crappy mood? This is what our ego wants to convince us to do. I want to offer a different perspective.

Rather than being the bad guy, Facebook might actually be a gem that helps us heal…as long as we pause to shine light on the emotions that it triggers within us.

By allowing our triggers to guide us, we expose and shine light on the dark, hidden parts within us. Instead of denying or looking away, courageously feel into your buried emotions. FEEL your guilt, disappointment, sorrow, jealousy, loneliness and resentment. By doing so, we are able to honour these feelings and let them go.

When we let these emotions rise up and out, we free ourselves to experience a life full of peace and joy. A life in which Facebook no longer triggers us…or triggers us a lot less frequently.

How do we get there? Below are three steps to spur healing and happiness:

Step 1
The first step to healing is awareness. Get to know what triggers you. Notice when someone or something triggers you to feel frustrated, annoyed, sad, lonely, angry, insecure and so forth. Triggers are blessings. They are gifts that are meant for our healing.

Step 2
Create time in your schedule to sit in quiet with your eyes closed. If we create space to sit in silence, our triggers can lead us to our stored memories and buried emotions. Say a prayer, asking Infinite Spirit to: “show me what I am meant to see or know to heal”. Or try this prayer: “Dear Divine, please show me the real reason for my anger, sadness, insecurity (insert emotion)”. With these words, we are asking to see, feel and heal the root cause of our pain.

Step 3
Be open and patient. Avoid searching. Allow an image or an awareness to present itself. A memory of an event from childhood or youth might pop up. If nothing happens, that is ok too. Communicating with Spirit may take practice.

We are often tempted to blame the people in our lives who trigger us. But by blaming others (or blaming Facebook) we remain focused on the external world and hiding from what is happening in our internal world. The next time Facebook gets under your skin, take a moment in quiet to look within yourself. Emotions are energy that are meant to move. Instead of denying the feelings that are stored within you, feel them, honour them and let them go.

With this practice and fresh perspective, we might just shift our relationship status with Facebook from “complicated” to trusted partner for healing.

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To learn more about Rachel or intuitive energy healing, click here: www.rachelshoniker.com.

Anger: Feel it, Honour it and Let it Go

One damp and grey morning, I found myself at our local gym exercising next to a pretty 20-something year old. Her body-hugging workout clothes perfectly
showcased her slim physique. Her plump lips were perfectly glossed. But on this day, her perfect appearance would not stay perfect.

Similar to a high-performance motorcycle that goes from a stand still to ultra fast in seconds, this girl went from perfectly perfect to completely undone within a flash. At first, she pushed the machine’s buttons with slight annoyance, attempting to program it to her liking. Unsuccessful, she quickly became agitated and frantic. Finally, she unraveled completely and slipped into a total meltdown, shouting profanities at the unresponsive hunk of plastic. In the end, she abandoned the machine and stomped up to an indifferent employee to announce that she was leaving for a “better fitness centre”.

This over-the-top, somewhat comical event got me thinking about anger and how we express it. Some of us are volatile loose canons that zap anger at anyone or anything within arm’s reach. A hyper-active volcano that blows without warning, flinging burning lava at unlucky folks nearby. And then there are some of us who simmer about something that pissed us off, allowing it to ruin our day, devour our week or even poison our entire month.

On the contrary, some of us hold onto our anger, diligently shoving it down within us. Our anger accumulates like an overflowing basement full of unwanted junk. Stored anger, resentment, jealousy and so forth can make us emotionally unwell and physically ill.

A healthy expression of anger

Anger itself isn’t bad. It is an energy, a human emotion, that is meant to move through you. My seven-year old daughter practices a healthy way to release anger. When she is mad, she clenches her little fists and growls. Her body shakes as she repeats “I am so mad; I am so mad”. The waves of anger are almost visible in the air around her. One day, her clenched growl might grow into a fierce roar!

Up until recently, I thought I had a healthy relationship with anger. Then, one day while my husband was venting about something, I abruptly cut him off. Annoyed that I had shut him down, my husband commented that I was like a little bird that holds all of her anger in. His words flew into my heart and mind, prompting me to take an honest look at my relationship with anger.

I discovered that I had been preventing myself from truly expressing anger. If someone upset me, I would give myself a few short minutes to vent, before quickly boarding the fast train into guilt. I would then attempt to escape my guilt by launching myself into compassion and understanding. While I busily justified the person’s behaviour (maybe they were stressed or feeling unheard), I denied myself permission to feel and release the anger that was within me.

Willing and ready to heal, I reached out to Sue Dumais (intuitive healer and bestselling author) for support. With my eyes closed, Sue encouraged me to feel into my solar plexus. By doing so, I quickly became aware that as a little girl I learned that expressing anger was bad (and so was complaining and whining). My parents did not intentionally teach me that this behaviour was wrong. Instead, I developed this belief as a reaction to the circumstances at the time. When I was young, my mom experienced some tough years when she was emotionally unwell. Little me determined that my mom needed me to be strong…and good. I desperately wanted to help my mom feel better so I held my anger.

With this awareness, I used the following technique to blast open the gates to releasing my stored anger. You may feel inspired to try it out. Kneel in front of a couch or a bed. Either rest your eyes closed or keep them open, whichever is more comfortable. Bring to mind the culprit who infuriated you. Imagine this person in front of you. Allow the burning flames of anger to grow. Breathe deep and feel into the intense energy. Now let it out like a fire-breathing dragon.

Say whatever pops into your mind. Don’t hold back. This is no time to be polite or diplomatic. No filters. No censors. No playing nice. Let the F-bombs fly! Here is an example: “You hurt me. You selfish, ignorant #&**#!! How dare you treat me like that. You are a worthless, stupid #&*@!”

Now release this pent-up energy by getting physical. Slam the couch with your hands or a pillow. Hit it with force. Give yourself full permission to allow the energy to move and be released…no matter what it looks or sounds like.

When you feel the time is right, ask yourself “Who else am I angry with?”. You might be surprised with the person who pops into your mind. Repeat the above process. In my personal experience, sadness quickly follows anger. Be prepared with tissues. You might find yourself sobbing like a wounded child. Let it all out. This is your healing.

Triggers are gifts for our healing

In addition to practicing a healthy expression of anger, it is important to be aware of the situations or relationships that trigger us to feel angry. Triggers are blessings. They are gifts that are meant for our healing. Until we decide to view our triggers as opportunities to learn and heal, we can expect to be triggered in a similar way again and again and again.

Take the time to sit in quiet with eyes closed. Say a prayer, asking Infinite Spirit to: “show me what am I meant to see or know to heal”. Or “Dear Divine, please show me the real reason for my anger”. With these words, we are asking to see, feel and heal the root cause of our pain.

Be open and patient. Avoid searching. Allow an image, a knowing or a memory to present itself. A memory of an event from childhood or youth might pop up. Some people may even witness an image from a past life. If nothing happens, that is ok too. Communicating with Spirit may take practice.

By allowing our triggers to guide us, we are able to open ourselves to healing. If we create space to look within, our triggers will lead us to our stored memories and buried emotions. When we allow ourselves to feel that which is within us, we set ourselves free to experience a life full of peace and joy. Anger (like other emotions, such as guilt, sadness, etc.), is an energy that is meant to move. Feel it, honour it and let it go.

So…what is your relationship with anger? Do you zap it at anyone or anything (like the girl at the gym)? Do you banish it to the basement? Do you blame others for how you feel? Or do you simmer in your pissed off-ness for days or weeks?

Awareness is the essential first step to healing and experiencing a lighter, freer and more peaceful life.

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To learn more about Rachel or intuitive energy healing, click here: www.rachelshoniker.com.

When Our Heart Takes the Back Seat

What is the price we pay when we care more about fitting in and being accepted, than allowing our heart to determine who we are in this world? What do we sacrifice when our fear of judgement dictates who we choose to be and how we live our lives? Are we repeatedly trying to mould ourselves into a square shape, when really our natural shape is that of a diamond or a star?

It is true that we feel safe when we feel like we belong. And yes, we may feel comfort and security when we feel accepted by our peers, colleagues, family or society. But when needing to belong means silencing our heart in the back seat, are we truly experiencing the beautiful gift of life? Are we living our lives the way our souls intended?

Allow me to share a personal story. One rainy day, my seven-year old daughter excitedly came home from school and announced that the following day would be “crazy hair day” at school. That afternoon, she joyfully allowed her imagination to come to life as she created a colourful and spunky hair style. With neon-coloured twists in her hair, she left for school in the morning in eager anticipation. But within seconds of entering the school, my beautiful daughter’s face became contorted with a mix of fear and despair. To our surprise, only a small number of kids had done their hair. Tears began rolling down her rosy cheeks as she frantically pulled out the brightly-coloured coils from her hair. She was terrified to stand out. Mortified at the thought of not fitting in. Her fun and creative heart was banished to the back seat.

A deep, piercing pain seared through my heart. At this young age, our little girl had adopted a fear-based understanding of how life works. Deny what is in the heart and mould yourself to fit in. I understand my child. She is my mirror.

Sue Dumais — intuitive healer and bestselling author — often says: “What other people think of you is not your business”. I love these words. But unfortunately, the opposite has been true for me for most of my life.

As a shy school girl, I preferred to be completely invisible, than to stand out in any way. As a young teen, I was offered a ticket into the cool girls/bad boys gang. Smoking weed, boozing, getting kicked out of school and other delinquent-type activities were a small price to pay. I belonged. That’s all that mattered.

Even in my adult years, I can see how my fear of being judged has played out. For decades, my fear of not fitting in was the shot-caller CEO in charge of determining the “me” I shared with the world. I had built an attractive facade, which the real me hid behind. A desperate attempt to avoid the fiery burn of being judged. But underneath this strong and slightly abrasive facade is a more gentle, vulnerable and sensitive soul. A heart that feels most fulfilled when in service to others. But by hiding behind my carefully-constructed facade, I never fully embraced my authentic self. Never dared to truly let my soul shine.

Not so long ago, I witnessed an intriguing image while in meditation. A slumped over angel. Beautifully sketched with elegant lines. Her wings folded down, her body curled up and her face buried in her lap. I recognized this graceful angel as my soul. Shut out and cast aside, my soul had been patiently waiting for me to embrace my authentic self. To rise up and expand my wings. To soar.

(Gaston Roulstone by Unsplash)

Immersed in a pool of sadness, I felt the grief of missing out on the riches that life is ready to offer if I were to bravely allow my heart to lead. The sorrow of not experiencing the beauty that comes from letting my soul sing.

So the question then arises, how can I expect my beautiful seven-year old to confidently own and stand in her light? To let her soul sing like a beautiful angel. The answer comes in the sentiment of a famous quote that is commonly attributed to Gandhi: “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. Change starts within us, not in the external world. Peace starts with us. Love starts with us. And confidence for young girls and boys starts with us — the parents, grandparents, coaches, teachers, and so forth.

For a moment, I encourage you to disrobe of your job titles and social labels. The numbers-driven salesperson, the powerhouse corporate director, the well-read educator, the busy parent, whatever roles you are playing…set them aside for a moment. Take off the armour that you don to march through your daily lives.

Breathe into what exists below the surface. Feel into the warmth and tenderness of your heart. Be vulnerable with me. Allow the ego/fear-based need to fit in and be accepted melt away. Know that you are more than enough just by being the real you. It is in this raw vulnerability that we give our authentic self permission to step into the spotlight and shine bright.

True confidence grows in the warm sunshine of your heart and the unconditional love of Spirit. Unwavering confidence is fueled by knowing and trusting that the Divine loves and supports you…no matter what. Let your heart take it’s place in the driver’s seat. Let your heart and soul determine who you are in this world. And watch the beautiful ripple effect, as you empower others, young and old, to do the same.

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To learn more about Rachel or intuitive energy healing, click here: www.rachelshoniker.com.